Jethro
New Member
This was sent to me from a buddy. I don't know who wrote it but it's kind of funny.
"Your Honor, I can't tell you what I was thinking. All I can tell you is that I couldn't help myself. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But of course now I know that my actions were not those of an individual with a sound mind or body. But I guess that is what turkey hunting will do to a person. This sport will cause you to do some really stupid things. "
Ok I know. Now your sitting there reading the opening paragraph to this and wondering. What the heck did you do ? Well let me tell you this up front. I pulled a real knucklehead stunt and it isn't pretty. But if you must know. Then I warn you now that you have to promise not to laugh. Because if you do. I will stop telling this story immediately.
Well as I mentioned before and as you can tell. This story has to do with hunters and turkeys. In no particular order so you decide the order for yourself. Right around the end of pheasant season. We turkey hunters are already geared up and pumped for the pending turkey season. Although it may be four months away. You just can't help but feel the excitement building knowing that turkey season is "only 4 months away." Remember I said, "Only 4 months away." At times this can seem like an eternity.
At about the end of February to the middle of March some of us turkey hunters start walking around making sounds that a normal human being shouldn't make. Driving around in their automobiles making turkey noises with a diaphragm call and with the windows rolled up is not a smart thing to do. You can quickly lose your hearing from this practice. There should be a warning on the package against their use in confined areas.
Now if you really want to have a lot of fun. Roll the window down and make the sounds of turkey yelp as loud as you can just so you can watch some poor sole walking down the street to suddenly stop dead in their tracks. Look around as if they were looking for a ghost. Oh what fun it can be to mess with people like this. And you know your really good with a diaphragm call when you can purr softly or cluck just loud enough to make the guy at the check out counter look at his box a cereal and wonder if there is some kind of toy inside.
But one thing a turkey hunter quickly learns is if they have a significant other at home. Turkey calls and their use in the house. No Way, Don't Do It. Not unless you plan on sleeping in the garage or in the shed. Forget about sleeping on the couch. The couch is considered as being inside the house and it too is off limits. You will quickly learn that turkey calls and their use are forever banned from the house. This can and is the cause for many break ups over the years. There is a study going on right now showing a rise in divorces among turkey hunters as the sport gains in popularity.
Now that you kind of have the picture of the mentality of a turkey hunter or better yet. The mental status of what happens to a person who's brain is hooked on the sounds of gobbles and the sights of Tom's strutting. The early morning tree yelps. The challenge of sneaking in close enough to a roosting area long before daylight. Staying so quiet and still that you have turkeys walk right up to you that you can just reach out and.....
Yep. You guessed it. I did the unthinkable. I lost my head. I don't know what I was thinking. I had turkey on the brain. I have been looking forward to turkey season ever since the previous years turkey season ended. Yeah that's right. 11 months of withdrawals.
I hunted all day long on Monday. I had Tom's gobbling like crazy early in the morning. I bet I was within 50 yards of their roosting area. There were birds just going nuts right at daybreak. Toms were gobbling all around me. Hens were yakking and telling stories. Me, I was sitting there in my blind feeling the excitement building with each passing minute. As the turkeys started coming off their roosting areas. I could tell that they were getting together to plan the days agenda. Some hens came out into the open past me. And then 9 jakes came out into the field in front of me. The jakes walked by in a hurry looking at my hen decoy as if she were going to ask them to dance. It kind of reminded me of a Jr High School dance where the boys want to dance with girls and the girls with boys but the boys are either too shy or scared to ask. So anyway, I'm sitting there waiting for the Toms to show. I'm still sitting there waiting. Still waiting. The Tom's were a no show. I sat there from 5 am. until 5 pm. and not one Tom showed himself all day long. No amount of convincing on my part with my large array of turkey calls could sway them into the open.
So now comes Tuesday. I will call this my "Fools Day". Or what my wife would call my "Stupid Day". Same as the day before. Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Yelp, Yelp, Yelp. Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Yelp, Yelp, Yelp.... You have the picture. The turkeys were going nuts. They were fired up talking smack and raising cane. But again, No Toms into the open. In fact no turkeys at all appeared until right around 11 in the morning. 3 hens suddenly appeared from my left. They were just taking their time feeding on the edge of the timber. They decided to join my lonely decoy placed no further than 10 yards from where I was sitting. For an hour these 3 hens worked the area around me feeding on the insects and waste grain. Every once in a while they would stop and look at my decoy and wonder why this hen of mine never moved. It was like she was frozen in time.
Well as I was sitting there in the comfort zone of my blind. I kept thinking what thoughts would run through a turkeys mind if I just reached out the window of my blind and grabbed one by the neck and yanked them inside with me. Could it be done ? Am I quick enough to pull off such a feat ? I mean, they were definitely close enough to reach. Remember now. We're dealing with the mentality of a turkey hunter. Well needless to say as these thoughts were running through my head. A Tom suddenly appears out of shadows of the timbers. A Tom.... A BIG TOM !!!!!
Here he comes straight to my decoy. I take a couple of pictures with my digital camera and think about grabbing my gun so I can fill my tag. The excitement level inside of me just skyrocketed. I start to shake uncontrollably. This is not unusual as I usually do this for a few seconds until I regain my composure. Then suddenly the thought comes back to me. Would I or could I be successful in reaching out the window of my blind and grabbing this Tom by the neck and pulling him inside with me. Could I bag a Tom without firing a shot ? You guessed it. Without thinking any further. Like the stealth of a Panther and speed of Lightning Bolt. I reached out that window and grabbed Tom right by the neck. I yanked him through that open window before he ever knew what was going on. But here is where I made a mistake that far out weighs all the stupid and dumb things that I have ever done in my life multiplied by thousand million billion zillion times. I LET GO OF HIM AFTER I GOT HIM INSIDE !
I let go of him as soon as he was inside with me. Why ? I don't know. Call it shock or stupidity or something. I guess I was just shocked that I was able to do it. That Tom looked at me and I looked at him and my first thoughts were Oh Crap. So I started to pray.... Out Loud !!! Tom looked me straight in the eye and said in turkey langauge.... "You better start praying son. Cuz your going to meet your maker !!!!!!" (I bet you didn't know I knew how to speak turkey.)
I tried to say I'm sorry. But he wasn't having no part of hearing apologies. I backed into one corner of my blind and he took a stance in the opposite corner. He yelled at me to get up and fight like a man. He screamed that his day of vengeance was soon to be rewarded. I immediately wet myself and will whole heartily admit. I was scared to death ! No amount of pleading or praying was going to convince this bird how deeply sorry I was for interrupting his walk. He then again yelled at me in the thunderous voice of his to defend myself.
I looked around for my gun. Too late for that. Tom was standing on top of it with a smile on his beak. He said, "Looking for this You Silly Little Man ? You should of used it when you had the chance. Don't you feel really stupid now ?" I then replied, "Yes I do. Please don't hurt me." He then proceeded to unload my gun and shuck the shells out the nearest window as he was laughing hysterically. I then dove for my hunting knife successfully reaching it. As I spun around I found Tom standing there like some kind of marital arts ninja warrior getting ready to do battle. Before I could blink. He poked me right in the left eye ! Dropped me to the ground like a sack of taters. All I could think to do was to curl up in a tiny little ball trying to cover my head the best way I could. Even a few times I tried to crawl under the blind to escape. But each time that I did. He would reach down and do an ankle pick and pull me back inside with him. This guy was seriously going to beat the tar out of me. I truly thought that I had the devil inside that hunting blind with me ! Scream..... oh I screamed liked a little girl. PLEASE HELP !!!!!!!! HEELLLLLPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Imagine someone taking a multi-floral rose bush and not only smacking you across the head and face but across your entire body over and over and over and over. The feeling of having those spurs dig into my body like thousands of needles penetrating through my thick heavy hunting clothes was too much to handle. I completely went numb from the beating that I recieved at the hands of The Prince of Darkness. And then those wings. Let me tell you what. Don't let those turkey wings fool you. The power Tom holds in his punch with those wings would drop any world champion heavy weight prize fighter. All I could do was stay curled up the best I could crying like a little baby praying to god for mercy. PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As fast as this battle took place or should I say beating took place. It also ended just as quickly. Tom found a way out of the blind like the true coward he is. And all I could hear was him laughing as he escaped back into the woods. Good thing for him too as I was just getting ready to put a whopping on him too.
I looked around the blind and swore that a twister had been inside with me. I finally found my cell phone and hit speed dial #1. I wasn't quite thinking clearly yet. Remember I'm a turkey hunter and we don't think as clearly as the normal every day Joe. But I hit speed dial #1 for my wife. She answers the phone and she could hear my plea's for help on the other end. She immediately ask what's wrong. I tell her what happened and this is what she has to say.
"Good for you, You Silly Little Man. Do you not have any sense left in that head of yours ? What in the world would make you reach out and grab a Wild Turkey by the neck and pull him inside a blind with you ? And then to let go of him.... What were you thinking ? Have you completely lost your mind ? I swear to god that I am going to finally have you committed !" (She claims lately that I'm not right in the head as I can't remember anything anymore and that she is going to have me put into a nursing home as she can't deal with my shenanigans any longer.) But Baby, I need some help. I think Tom hurt me pretty bad. I feel like I have been run through a washing machine with 10 pounds of roofing nails and NO WATER ! She says, "Ok I'll call 911 and have someone there to get you to a hospital. But you have to promise me to seek some professional help."
So you see your Honor. It not my fault that I can't think straight at times. The only reason that I'm here at this committal hearing is because of my wife. I didn't promise to her when that I would seek help. I just promised that I would.... eventually......... Heck your honor... I still have fourth season to hunt and then there's a turkey hunt that I have planned for South Dakota. I mean seriously.... Can't this wait until after turkey season is over ?
"Your Honor, I can't tell you what I was thinking. All I can tell you is that I couldn't help myself. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But of course now I know that my actions were not those of an individual with a sound mind or body. But I guess that is what turkey hunting will do to a person. This sport will cause you to do some really stupid things. "
Ok I know. Now your sitting there reading the opening paragraph to this and wondering. What the heck did you do ? Well let me tell you this up front. I pulled a real knucklehead stunt and it isn't pretty. But if you must know. Then I warn you now that you have to promise not to laugh. Because if you do. I will stop telling this story immediately.
Well as I mentioned before and as you can tell. This story has to do with hunters and turkeys. In no particular order so you decide the order for yourself. Right around the end of pheasant season. We turkey hunters are already geared up and pumped for the pending turkey season. Although it may be four months away. You just can't help but feel the excitement building knowing that turkey season is "only 4 months away." Remember I said, "Only 4 months away." At times this can seem like an eternity.
At about the end of February to the middle of March some of us turkey hunters start walking around making sounds that a normal human being shouldn't make. Driving around in their automobiles making turkey noises with a diaphragm call and with the windows rolled up is not a smart thing to do. You can quickly lose your hearing from this practice. There should be a warning on the package against their use in confined areas.
Now if you really want to have a lot of fun. Roll the window down and make the sounds of turkey yelp as loud as you can just so you can watch some poor sole walking down the street to suddenly stop dead in their tracks. Look around as if they were looking for a ghost. Oh what fun it can be to mess with people like this. And you know your really good with a diaphragm call when you can purr softly or cluck just loud enough to make the guy at the check out counter look at his box a cereal and wonder if there is some kind of toy inside.
But one thing a turkey hunter quickly learns is if they have a significant other at home. Turkey calls and their use in the house. No Way, Don't Do It. Not unless you plan on sleeping in the garage or in the shed. Forget about sleeping on the couch. The couch is considered as being inside the house and it too is off limits. You will quickly learn that turkey calls and their use are forever banned from the house. This can and is the cause for many break ups over the years. There is a study going on right now showing a rise in divorces among turkey hunters as the sport gains in popularity.
Now that you kind of have the picture of the mentality of a turkey hunter or better yet. The mental status of what happens to a person who's brain is hooked on the sounds of gobbles and the sights of Tom's strutting. The early morning tree yelps. The challenge of sneaking in close enough to a roosting area long before daylight. Staying so quiet and still that you have turkeys walk right up to you that you can just reach out and.....
Yep. You guessed it. I did the unthinkable. I lost my head. I don't know what I was thinking. I had turkey on the brain. I have been looking forward to turkey season ever since the previous years turkey season ended. Yeah that's right. 11 months of withdrawals.
I hunted all day long on Monday. I had Tom's gobbling like crazy early in the morning. I bet I was within 50 yards of their roosting area. There were birds just going nuts right at daybreak. Toms were gobbling all around me. Hens were yakking and telling stories. Me, I was sitting there in my blind feeling the excitement building with each passing minute. As the turkeys started coming off their roosting areas. I could tell that they were getting together to plan the days agenda. Some hens came out into the open past me. And then 9 jakes came out into the field in front of me. The jakes walked by in a hurry looking at my hen decoy as if she were going to ask them to dance. It kind of reminded me of a Jr High School dance where the boys want to dance with girls and the girls with boys but the boys are either too shy or scared to ask. So anyway, I'm sitting there waiting for the Toms to show. I'm still sitting there waiting. Still waiting. The Tom's were a no show. I sat there from 5 am. until 5 pm. and not one Tom showed himself all day long. No amount of convincing on my part with my large array of turkey calls could sway them into the open.
So now comes Tuesday. I will call this my "Fools Day". Or what my wife would call my "Stupid Day". Same as the day before. Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Yelp, Yelp, Yelp. Gobble, Gobble, Gobble, Yelp, Yelp, Yelp.... You have the picture. The turkeys were going nuts. They were fired up talking smack and raising cane. But again, No Toms into the open. In fact no turkeys at all appeared until right around 11 in the morning. 3 hens suddenly appeared from my left. They were just taking their time feeding on the edge of the timber. They decided to join my lonely decoy placed no further than 10 yards from where I was sitting. For an hour these 3 hens worked the area around me feeding on the insects and waste grain. Every once in a while they would stop and look at my decoy and wonder why this hen of mine never moved. It was like she was frozen in time.
Well as I was sitting there in the comfort zone of my blind. I kept thinking what thoughts would run through a turkeys mind if I just reached out the window of my blind and grabbed one by the neck and yanked them inside with me. Could it be done ? Am I quick enough to pull off such a feat ? I mean, they were definitely close enough to reach. Remember now. We're dealing with the mentality of a turkey hunter. Well needless to say as these thoughts were running through my head. A Tom suddenly appears out of shadows of the timbers. A Tom.... A BIG TOM !!!!!
Here he comes straight to my decoy. I take a couple of pictures with my digital camera and think about grabbing my gun so I can fill my tag. The excitement level inside of me just skyrocketed. I start to shake uncontrollably. This is not unusual as I usually do this for a few seconds until I regain my composure. Then suddenly the thought comes back to me. Would I or could I be successful in reaching out the window of my blind and grabbing this Tom by the neck and pulling him inside with me. Could I bag a Tom without firing a shot ? You guessed it. Without thinking any further. Like the stealth of a Panther and speed of Lightning Bolt. I reached out that window and grabbed Tom right by the neck. I yanked him through that open window before he ever knew what was going on. But here is where I made a mistake that far out weighs all the stupid and dumb things that I have ever done in my life multiplied by thousand million billion zillion times. I LET GO OF HIM AFTER I GOT HIM INSIDE !
I let go of him as soon as he was inside with me. Why ? I don't know. Call it shock or stupidity or something. I guess I was just shocked that I was able to do it. That Tom looked at me and I looked at him and my first thoughts were Oh Crap. So I started to pray.... Out Loud !!! Tom looked me straight in the eye and said in turkey langauge.... "You better start praying son. Cuz your going to meet your maker !!!!!!" (I bet you didn't know I knew how to speak turkey.)
I tried to say I'm sorry. But he wasn't having no part of hearing apologies. I backed into one corner of my blind and he took a stance in the opposite corner. He yelled at me to get up and fight like a man. He screamed that his day of vengeance was soon to be rewarded. I immediately wet myself and will whole heartily admit. I was scared to death ! No amount of pleading or praying was going to convince this bird how deeply sorry I was for interrupting his walk. He then again yelled at me in the thunderous voice of his to defend myself.
I looked around for my gun. Too late for that. Tom was standing on top of it with a smile on his beak. He said, "Looking for this You Silly Little Man ? You should of used it when you had the chance. Don't you feel really stupid now ?" I then replied, "Yes I do. Please don't hurt me." He then proceeded to unload my gun and shuck the shells out the nearest window as he was laughing hysterically. I then dove for my hunting knife successfully reaching it. As I spun around I found Tom standing there like some kind of marital arts ninja warrior getting ready to do battle. Before I could blink. He poked me right in the left eye ! Dropped me to the ground like a sack of taters. All I could think to do was to curl up in a tiny little ball trying to cover my head the best way I could. Even a few times I tried to crawl under the blind to escape. But each time that I did. He would reach down and do an ankle pick and pull me back inside with him. This guy was seriously going to beat the tar out of me. I truly thought that I had the devil inside that hunting blind with me ! Scream..... oh I screamed liked a little girl. PLEASE HELP !!!!!!!! HEELLLLLPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Imagine someone taking a multi-floral rose bush and not only smacking you across the head and face but across your entire body over and over and over and over. The feeling of having those spurs dig into my body like thousands of needles penetrating through my thick heavy hunting clothes was too much to handle. I completely went numb from the beating that I recieved at the hands of The Prince of Darkness. And then those wings. Let me tell you what. Don't let those turkey wings fool you. The power Tom holds in his punch with those wings would drop any world champion heavy weight prize fighter. All I could do was stay curled up the best I could crying like a little baby praying to god for mercy. PLEASE MAKE HIM STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As fast as this battle took place or should I say beating took place. It also ended just as quickly. Tom found a way out of the blind like the true coward he is. And all I could hear was him laughing as he escaped back into the woods. Good thing for him too as I was just getting ready to put a whopping on him too.
I looked around the blind and swore that a twister had been inside with me. I finally found my cell phone and hit speed dial #1. I wasn't quite thinking clearly yet. Remember I'm a turkey hunter and we don't think as clearly as the normal every day Joe. But I hit speed dial #1 for my wife. She answers the phone and she could hear my plea's for help on the other end. She immediately ask what's wrong. I tell her what happened and this is what she has to say.
"Good for you, You Silly Little Man. Do you not have any sense left in that head of yours ? What in the world would make you reach out and grab a Wild Turkey by the neck and pull him inside a blind with you ? And then to let go of him.... What were you thinking ? Have you completely lost your mind ? I swear to god that I am going to finally have you committed !" (She claims lately that I'm not right in the head as I can't remember anything anymore and that she is going to have me put into a nursing home as she can't deal with my shenanigans any longer.) But Baby, I need some help. I think Tom hurt me pretty bad. I feel like I have been run through a washing machine with 10 pounds of roofing nails and NO WATER ! She says, "Ok I'll call 911 and have someone there to get you to a hospital. But you have to promise me to seek some professional help."
So you see your Honor. It not my fault that I can't think straight at times. The only reason that I'm here at this committal hearing is because of my wife. I didn't promise to her when that I would seek help. I just promised that I would.... eventually......... Heck your honor... I still have fourth season to hunt and then there's a turkey hunt that I have planned for South Dakota. I mean seriously.... Can't this wait until after turkey season is over ?
