A heartfelt message from the rural Midwest:
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and
Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin,
Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South
Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need
it, not just to keep up with the neighbors.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah,
we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you
whipped - by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
trout you fish for: bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your
ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what
you pay for one drink at the airport.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham
and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're
real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use
two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks and tractors because
they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too, and turtle. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it?
Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go East & West; Interstates 29, 35 & 55 go North
& South. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks
the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot - his name is "Sir", no matter how old he is.
Now please, enjoy your visit. Just don't overdo your stay, we have corn
to plant.
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and
Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin,
Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South
Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're
going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need
it, not just to keep up with the neighbors.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah,
we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you
whipped - by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
trout you fish for: bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your
ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what
you pay for one drink at the airport.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham
and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're
real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use
two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks and tractors because
they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too, and turtle. You really want sushi
and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like
it?
Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go East & West; Interstates 29, 35 & 55 go North
& South. Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious
holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly.
Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks
the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot - his name is "Sir", no matter how old he is.
Now please, enjoy your visit. Just don't overdo your stay, we have corn
to plant.
