Fishbonker
Life Member
As most of you know I tend to be in the spousal penalty box more than I’m out of it. Such was the case last night. I’m sure you have all heard the old joke: Wife “Do these pants make my butt look big?” Husband “No your butt makes the pants look small.” Where upon the wife gets upset and the usual interaction, or lack thereof, takes place.
The hapless Husband is left to consider his fate and ponder why somebody doesn’t invent some sort of early warning system that would filter his thoughts and prevent them from coming out in words.
Well my friends, today is your lucky day. Fresh from the extraordinary minds at Fishbonker Man Labs comes the Man Filter 2000. It is an implantable, programmable device that “hears” what your wife says and makes you respond with a preprogrammed acceptable reply.
For example, wife says “Do you want a nice soufflé for supper?” Instead of “Yeah and make sure it doesn’t fall this time” the Man Filter 2000 makes you respond with “No dear, you’ve had a long day at work. Why don’t you just open up that box of chocolates and we will curl up on the couch together and watch ‘Steel Magnolias’ again.” Or wife says “I’m fixing stew this weekend.” Instead of replying “There you go again trying to poison me with tapifreakinoka” you reply “Why don’t you let me take you out for dinner and a nice movie Saturday evening?”
We here at Fishbonker Man Labs are also working on a version that would be able to “read” your wife at any given time and give you the odds of being successful at asking for something. For example; you want to go out for a night of bank pole fishing, campfire sitting and beer drinking with your buddies. You flip the switch to “scan wife mode”. The Man Filter 2000 calculates several factors some of which are a trade secret, but include past history, moon sign, time from last chocolate consumption, date of last “cuddle time” (an inverse relationship) facial expression at the time and several samples of the air in the immediate vicinity. The Man Filter 2000 gives you a percentage chance of being successful in getting permission. For a few dollars more we can program the Man Filter 2000 to tell you the best way to ask for permission based on the sensor readings to increase your odds of being successful.
Our current Man Filter 2000 is indeed implantable. The only negative we have found in our market and human subjects research is where the device is implanted. Since most men think with their, ummm, “privates” this is where the Man Filter 2000 is implanted. We are working on a device much like a BAHA (Bone Anchored Hearing Aid) combined with a deep brain stimulator that would stop the almost seizure like replies we sometimes make.
The Man Filter 2000 is guaranteed to keep you outta the penalty box and make your wife, and therefore your life, much happier.
Back to what got me into the penalty box last night. Wife: “Are these pants too long?” Me: “Why no dear, your legs are just toooo short and you aren’t gonna wear that blouse with those pants are you? And those shoes? Really?”
As a footnote, Fishbonker Man Labs has an IRB that has approved all research to date. Of course our IRB consists of me, Rocket (who was brain damaged while testing the ‘Bonker Blocker) Mushetta the cat and a member who has paid me well to remain anonymous.
The hapless Husband is left to consider his fate and ponder why somebody doesn’t invent some sort of early warning system that would filter his thoughts and prevent them from coming out in words.
Well my friends, today is your lucky day. Fresh from the extraordinary minds at Fishbonker Man Labs comes the Man Filter 2000. It is an implantable, programmable device that “hears” what your wife says and makes you respond with a preprogrammed acceptable reply.
For example, wife says “Do you want a nice soufflé for supper?” Instead of “Yeah and make sure it doesn’t fall this time” the Man Filter 2000 makes you respond with “No dear, you’ve had a long day at work. Why don’t you just open up that box of chocolates and we will curl up on the couch together and watch ‘Steel Magnolias’ again.” Or wife says “I’m fixing stew this weekend.” Instead of replying “There you go again trying to poison me with tapifreakinoka” you reply “Why don’t you let me take you out for dinner and a nice movie Saturday evening?”
We here at Fishbonker Man Labs are also working on a version that would be able to “read” your wife at any given time and give you the odds of being successful at asking for something. For example; you want to go out for a night of bank pole fishing, campfire sitting and beer drinking with your buddies. You flip the switch to “scan wife mode”. The Man Filter 2000 calculates several factors some of which are a trade secret, but include past history, moon sign, time from last chocolate consumption, date of last “cuddle time” (an inverse relationship) facial expression at the time and several samples of the air in the immediate vicinity. The Man Filter 2000 gives you a percentage chance of being successful in getting permission. For a few dollars more we can program the Man Filter 2000 to tell you the best way to ask for permission based on the sensor readings to increase your odds of being successful.
Our current Man Filter 2000 is indeed implantable. The only negative we have found in our market and human subjects research is where the device is implanted. Since most men think with their, ummm, “privates” this is where the Man Filter 2000 is implanted. We are working on a device much like a BAHA (Bone Anchored Hearing Aid) combined with a deep brain stimulator that would stop the almost seizure like replies we sometimes make.
The Man Filter 2000 is guaranteed to keep you outta the penalty box and make your wife, and therefore your life, much happier.
Back to what got me into the penalty box last night. Wife: “Are these pants too long?” Me: “Why no dear, your legs are just toooo short and you aren’t gonna wear that blouse with those pants are you? And those shoes? Really?”
As a footnote, Fishbonker Man Labs has an IRB that has approved all research to date. Of course our IRB consists of me, Rocket (who was brain damaged while testing the ‘Bonker Blocker) Mushetta the cat and a member who has paid me well to remain anonymous.
