teeroy
Life Member
Hangovers
If you don't laugh, then you just can't relate. Guess you had to have been
there one time or another..........
One Star Hangover (*):
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well
however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity
pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***):
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life
would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke
--- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****):
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies,
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your
eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is
in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five craps you take during the
day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****):
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an
attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the
ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have
the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of
this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your butt.
Death sounds pretty good about right now!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
If you don't laugh, then you just can't relate. Guess you had to have been
there one time or another..........
One Star Hangover (*):
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well
however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this
way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity
pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite
havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***):
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life
would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns.
You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke
--- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****):
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you
might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given
you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't
hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies,
it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your
eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is
in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five craps you take during the
day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****):
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. In fact, you are probably still drunk. You still have
toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an
attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the
ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have
the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of
alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of
this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your butt.
Death sounds pretty good about right now!
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
